I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
