we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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