I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
