the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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