i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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