The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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