i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
