Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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