I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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