DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
