I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
