OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
