I am puke
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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