it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
