First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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