This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
