Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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