I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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