I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
