having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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