porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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