Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
