it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
