Umm I'm too high to move.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
