why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
