We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
