Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
