Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
