i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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