my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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