What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
