sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I need a beard to bite.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
