I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
