Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
