college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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