I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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