you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
