3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
