Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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