At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
