I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
He? As in you personified your dick?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
