i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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