This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
