Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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