I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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