you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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