Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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