watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
bring money and cleavage
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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