There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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