Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
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