Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
